How to Be Content?

Close your eyes and imagine a scene: you see a person who looks very similar to you. You see yourself in your youth, sitting in a comfortable library or café, writing a literary work with pen and paper—perhaps a novel. Then you see yourself age over the years, and your literary work grows thicker and thicker, more and more pages stacking up, the content becoming richer and richer. Finally, you grow very old, and on one particular night, you contentedly finish reading this work, then gently place these papers into the fireplace, smiling as you watch it burn to ash…

Okay, you can open your eyes now.

Today is a Thanksgiving sharing, and I want to share this month’s devotional notes, rethinking the matter of gratitude.

I’m responsible for building the West Coast Development Association’s official website, and in designing each association member’s page, I used a minimalist version with only photos, summaries, interests, and other simple information. I thought I could create an enriched version of my page with more information to display, such as your skills, educational background, service records, awards and honors, etc. This would give others a reference so they could decide which sections to add to their own pages.

So I began organizing an enriched version, compiling my past experiences. There were many records of serving God, as well as award records from my student years—you could say it was very glorious and honorable. However, I experienced a very uncomfortable feeling.

In psychology, this is called a type of moral fraud.

So, how much of the motivation was pure? How much of the motivation was in accordance with God’s will? I’m not nitpicking—I’m honestly looking at the facts. Through this organizing process, God let me reconsider two questions: What was my original motivation? And what important things have I forgotten?

The first question: What was my past motivation?

I saw an insecure young person trying to “earn” self-worth through achievements or service. Much of my motivation for serving in church came from fear, jealousy, envy, and anxiety. Everyone was serving God and looked impressive, so I wanted to serve too. I envied those who could worship on stage. Others were amazing—they could do sound control and organize big events. If I could become an officer in the fellowship, I could be glorious like them. If I joined this team, I would be more valuable, and I wouldn’t be alone. Of course I wanted to serve God, because I really hoped for others’ affirmation.

I forgot many things, so that looking back brings mixed feelings. Recalling my past weakness, I feel disgust, pity, shame, worry, anger, unfairness, and anxiety. But I also feel fortunate, glorious, and grateful for God’s grace. It seems I was always in extreme insecurity and anxiety, desperately wanting to find my value, and as a result, this immaturity ruined many relationships. Organizing these experiences, I met my past self and the God of my past; sins that were hidden became clear at this moment.

The second question: What important things have I, in the present, forgotten?

I also discovered that my memories of some people are biased. For example, I had a bad impression of a certain small group leader at church. She really liked teaching and often compressed the interaction time between group members, which made me irritable. Because I didn’t get the sense of belonging and security I wanted, I didn’t like her. But during the organizing process, I discovered that in reality, Yu-Ting Lin of the past was really difficult to get along with, and she was willing to love me with brotherly love, accepting my immaturity in the group. She recommended that I could join her ministry team. I clearly caused a lot of trouble, but she forgave me. She took such good care of me, yet I forgot, keeping my impression stuck on the negative parts.

Or the glorious parts—my science fair and university projects were God’s grace. Yet sometimes I forgot, thinking I truly deserved that glory, so that when my salary “now” isn’t higher than others, I feel angry, proudly thinking God is unfair. But is this really my glory? Clearly it’s not what I deserve—it’s all grace.

I feel this is a new understanding of the word “gratitude” for me.

Because human memory is limited, whether regarding ourselves or others, bias easily occurs. So we need to regularly review; we need to organize—that is, give thanks. Sometimes the process of organizing is actually more valuable than the finished work. In the process, we can discover we’ve forgotten some important things, so that now I might mistakenly think I deserve some glory, or have wronged some relationships. We discover our past weakness; we discover that the God of our past has always been at work.

This is also one solution to moral fraud—quietly experiencing how God can work through my impure motives; all things work together for good for those who love God. Thank God for His love, thank God for accepting me, thank those people I’ve met who lived out God’s will.

After writing, after organizing, we can say goodbye to our past selves, embrace them, say thank you to them, and also say thank you to the God of our past. You can say some things to them that others don’t need to know.

It’s Okay Not to Be Remembered by Others

Two weeks ago on November 15th, I met with Pastor A-Liang to discuss this issue. Before I showed him anything, Pastor A-Liang told me that information should be kept simple, not too much, and some information shouldn’t be put on the internet because this generation is evil—some people might steal, attack, tempt, or deceive you. He believes some information is great, but there’s no need to rush to let others know. He mentioned a message he had preached before about King Saul’s two sins: unwilling to take office and unwilling to step down. He seemed to be reminding me that past glory is wonderful, but don’t cling to it tightly. When God wants you to display glory, display it; when God wants you to hide glory, hide it. So if he sees some information that’s inappropriate, he would want me to delete it.

Regarding the page I worked so hard to organize possibly being asked to delete, I’m actually quite calm. God’s principles are inherently different from worldly values. The world tells us to optimize our résumés by any means necessary, while God sometimes asks us to hide and sometimes asks us to display. So if this information is deleted one day, don’t be too surprised—today it’s just being used as an example.

Big Brother, that is, our Big Brother, told me he keeps a diary, so he experiences less of this nausea from reviewing. He reminded me of something: Looking at everything from the perspective of motivation, do we simply want to possess it, or do we want “others” to know we possess it?

Because of Pastor A-Liang’s and Big Brother’s thinking, I have another understanding of “gratitude.” I mentioned before that when I review the past, organizing my notes or photos, I meet my past self and meet the God of my past self. This repeated chewing over, thinking, and settling—past sins, glory, weakness, motivation—is actually private.

At the beginning, I mentioned an imagined scenario: a person writes many things throughout their life, and finally, with a heart full of contentment and gratitude, burns it all.

This feeling is like it doesn’t matter whether others know or not. Today I can share out of obedience to God, or I can refrain from sharing out of obedience to God. I can also freely delete my written experiences or résumé, just like Pastor A-Liang’s message about Saul—I don’t need to cling tightly. If my past is remembered by others, that’s wonderful. If my past isn’t remembered by anyone, that’s okay too. Because this is my personal relationship and experience with God. God will remember, and I can also do my best to remember—that is, give thanks. This brings a more peaceful satisfaction.

For me, true gratitude seems to have this characteristic.

How to Practice Gratitude

So how can we practice gratitude? For most people, the best advice is to count blessings, look at what you have, and connect with God in the process. But what if, like me, you’re very weak and very proud, and even counting blessings still feels insufficient?

We can use this method.

Consider changing the vocabulary you use, from “my” to “that.” When talking, say “that” car and “that” house, no longer saying “my” car and “my” house. This can remind ourselves that everything we have belongs to God and not to us.